I sent a message to an actor who I knew recently worked on a film in Michigan asking for advice on getting started. He was nice enough to respond and told me that even more than acting, writing is about who you know, but after paying me an undeserved compliment, he encouraged me to give acting a try. He gave me the name of a new Michigan agency that his friend was considering working with.
I wrote to them, name dropped, and they wrote back to me. Then they sent me a W9 and an Agency Agreement.
I signed with them.
I don't know what will come of pursuing acting, maybe nothing, but as it was secretly always my top aspiration, I think it's better to try and fail than not try at all.
And I'm grateful for the help I received as you don't always here stories of kindness coming from the 'Hollywood Types.'
Still, the cloud of uncertainty and negativity that so often plagues me descends. They could drop me at any time and I keep thinking they'll just change their minds when they meet me in person, or even before that.
And I get nervous. Usually I perform anyway, but I keep thinking I'm going to clam up when it counts.
That's why I haven't told anyone.
With me, things always seem to fall through.
I've never given anyone a reason to have faith in me, which is probably why no one does.
My mind turns to people who seemed to in the past, shooting stars in the infinite void that is my self-esteem. And now, when I need them most, I feel them slipping away, leaving me to the void, the negative thoughts which will make me fail if I don't all on my own.
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yes better to try your best and fail then to wonder "what if?". to me, failing is not a sin, making a half assed attempt or no attempt at all IS.
ReplyDeletedont worry about others having 'faith' in you. develop that faith in yourself, or a better term, "belief" in yourself. easier said than done i know, but its the only way to be.
just my worthless $.02 :) good luck with your acting and writing!
Thanks.
ReplyDeleteYou're right. It is easier said than done...building confidence is the one thing I've been trying and failing at for years;)
i think its one of the most important things a person can do to improve their life though. self-esteem needs to be thought of literally, meaning esteem of and FROM the self. if one looks for their 'self' in others they end up being a slave to the opinions, wishes, whimsies and needs of others instead of their own. your 'self', your decisions, your LIFE so to speak is literally in the hands of other people. sometimes one just needs a few small successes to start to see their own personal value. i am not an actor but i was a muscician in the past and i know how it feels to want that audition or that gig and to not get it. it sucks!!! but IF you go in and KNOW you tried your best, what happens after that is not in your control. and if you feel you didnt do your best, find out what needs to be improved or changed and try again. presistence is everything.
ReplyDeleteand remember Warner bros turned down Clark Gable AND John Wayne back in the 30's!! the ones that tell you "no" are not always geniuses, remember that :)))
ok philosophical rant over, hope you dont mind my cluttering your blog with my blabberings :)
I don't mind...as a rule, I like blabberings.
ReplyDeleteAnd perhaps I presented myself in a way that makes me seem as if I care more about what others think than I do. I'm too much of a schizoid for that.
It's just that from my own personal experience, if I were a betting woman, I wouldn't invest in myself.
And if Freud's right, it's too late for me to get self-esteem...past age 6, that ship has sailed, but I always try my best and I'm a perfectionist, so I guess that's all I can do.
no its not....another thing you can do is stop reading Freud!
ReplyDeleteAyn Rand had some interesting thoughts on him, and none of them were flattering!
being a perfectionist is the only way to be, but it isnt easy. but as they say, nothing worthwhile is ever easy ;)
Well, I respect Rand much more than Freud, so I'll take her word for it.
ReplyDeleteIt's made easier by the fact that I'm in denial about being a perfectionist (others just tell me I am), so it comes naturally and yet I don't notice it.
Best of both worlds;)
lol, whatever works!
ReplyDeleteRand exhaulted the possibilities of the human mind, Freud threw it in the gutter.
Everyone knows Freud was a loon. I just cited him because I always cite anything that supports my point.
ReplyDeleteThat's how I roll.