I wasn't built for failure.
All of this unfulfilled love...
Love of work that will never mean anything to anyone but me.
It weighs me down.
It crushes my soul.
Missed the final round at yet another film festival.
I'm so easily discouraged.
My heart just sank.
I'm going to miss the deadline on the Blue Water Film Festival, but I'm not really upset about that, because I know I couldn't make a film to save my life.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I don't know why I would feel such passion for something I'm not any good at.
Maybe I'm not a good writer.
Maybe my friends think they're doing me a favor by not telling me that everything I write is shit.
But I do love movies and I believe in their power more than most.
Within minutes a film can make you look at people you’ve never seen before, people who might not even exist, and see yourself and the people around you. You can get pulled into their world and see your own and in relating to them and understanding them, you walk away understanding more about yourself and more about life. I often hear "Ash, it’s just a movie" and sometimes it is, but when it’s meant to be a study of the human condition, when you can make people examine their lives when they otherwise wouldn’t, when they’re too scared to see the truth, that’s a beautiful thing. I'd hoped that in loving this so much and believing in it so much, I’d get to be a part of it. But it's becoming clear that's never going to happen.
I feel lost.
I can work at this job I hate and save up to move to LA or New York, but when I get there, people still aren't going to read my scripts (Hell, only one person here bothered to read my newest).
I can pay an agent, but I don't look like an actress and I won't find work.
I'm going to die wanting this.
It all just seems like such a waste.
I seem like such a waste.
There's this tightness in my chest that doesn't go away and I can feel myself breaking a little more with every passing moment.
It hurts to breathe.
What do you do when you're living with the illusion of purpose, but the world has no need of you?
I don't know how much longer I can be here.
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