"I have one too."

"One What?"
"Sense of destiny."

Once again my desire cannot be quashed.
No matter how defeated I might feel, something always pulls me back.
There's always the same goal, but a new angle, a new plan of attack.

Last year I wrote to Jason Reitman about my scripts and he told me to figure out which one would be cheapest to make, produce it myself, and get my foot in the door that way.
I thought it was a stupid suggestion to be quite honest.
Not putting one of my babies in the hands of professionals seemed absurd.
But lately, I've been thinking about it, really seriously thinking about it.

Take "Good Grief" for example.
There are only a few locations.
Grief Counseling itself (any classroom), two houses, and a video store.
No explosions, no special effects.
It would be very cheap to make.
And if it actually turned out well, it'd be easier to sell "Singing Swans" and get that one made for me.

So why couldn't I do it?
I know a lot of capable people.
Why couldn't I crew up and do it?

I'd need someone to help me gather resources and promote it and someone to help with cinematography, but other than that, the idea doesn't seem all that overwhelming.

The one thing that worries me is the acting.
To be honest, I wrote this for Alison Lohman and Ryan Gosling.
I couldn't deal with bad actors.
But the more I think about it, the more I'd like to try this.

Am I nuts?

Gone are the days of not feeling it.

I'll let you know if my heart turns.

Last month I had two script ideas vying for my attention. The older, more developed one took the cake and I've been working on it since, pushing the other one to the back of my mind.
But there are some tricky elements to the one I'm working on, and by that I mean there's something I don't really know about and something I don't want to write about, and those happen to be the same thing. And it's early on in the script so in order to make progress I have to move past it.
The closer I get to it, the harder it is to feel motivated to write and I'm wondering if it's less that I don't want to and more that I'm scared to, because I haven't got a clue what I'm doing.
To make matters worse, I came up with a new script idea today and I can't stop thinking about that one. It's probably because I don't want to work on the old one, but hey, maybe I'm more creative in my desperation.
They could both be interesting, but I know the one I'm writing now would be more likely to sell, so I guess I should keep on truckin'. Maybe if I think, "The sooner I get this one done, the sooner I can start the next one," I'll finish faster.

It's weird, but I think I sometimes relate better to characters than I do to real people, but maybe most people do.
Random Movie Quote Alert:
"Everyone knows books are better than life, that's why they're books!"
I can write a story and through the behavior of a character, not through description, not through their words, with behavior alone, I can make someone's motivation clear...but I can't for the life of me understand the motivations of some of the real people in my life.

My mom coddles me one minute and cuts me the next, but at least she always has and I understand why.
It's mostly friends I don't understand.
So many of them act like I'm the coolest thing since sliced bread to the point of kissing my ass, and then without warning disappear off the radar for awhile only to come back and kiss my ass again.
I don't understand it.
The only conclusions I can come to:
A) The ass kissing is their way of coddling me and that because I'm a self-bashing cynic, people around me assume I'm in need of coddling when in reality I'm content to be a self-bashing cynic.
B) When they disappear off the radar, they've tired of me, yet they feel guilty, so when they do see me, I become the coolest thing since sliced bread again.

If it's the latter, I say, let me know if your heart turns, as I would let you know the state of mine.
I understand that people are mercurial because in many ways, I am, but I also understand that in other regards I'm unchangeable. I am loyal to a fault and so 'my heart is always on the line.' But it's a risk I'm willing to take, so I wish they'd all be honest with me.